(Up cakes)

District 9 Poached Prawns

Inglorious Strudel and whipped cream a la Col. Hans Landa

(It was custard. And delicious. Also, did a boy write this name tag?)

(Apple Cider & Rum)

Up in The Airplane Food

(Not food)

Food items not pictured were: Maggie Gyllenchallah Bread Pudding, Inglorious Brownies, Precious Cake, Delicious Popcorn based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire, and two Crazy Heartichoke dips. Sorry for the absent photos, we drank a lot of champagne and forgot we had a camera.

Here’s a fun video from Landline TV that solves the mystery of how Jay Leno got his audience back.

Also, this will be our last post for awhile on late-night television. It’s draining to our soul.

Catherine Tate “bovvered” 2007

The “bovvered” bit is in every episode of her show, thusly, making it hers. Oh, and also,  it was named “Word Of The Year” in 2006 and was added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Why, why  Jimmy Fallon do you have to do the same bit? Can’t you say a different word with a British accent multiple times? Like, “annoyed” or “irritated” or “swimming suit?”

Tonight, Us Bad Guys will not be live-blogging the return of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno because usually, we like to laugh. And we always have and always will, be with Coco. But, we will be blogging what we think is happening on the return of  The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, in Central Standard Time.

10:35pm: The Tonight Show opening credits. Jay walks out. His face red and chapped from his recent trip to Vancouver. His hair, both graying and showing signs of age, suspiciously looks taller, as if he is trying to send a message to Conan. A hair message that cries, “You’re not the only one who can have big hair at 10:35pm CST.”

10:36pm: Whatever is happening, it’s not the string dance.

10:37pm: Joke about the USA/Canada Olympic hockey match and how Canadians are polite. Twelve people in Des Moines presumably chuckle “because it’s true.”

10:37:30pm: Rimshot.

10:45pm: Jay takes his hands out of his pockets for the first time since he arrived on stage, revealing a henna tattoo. Explains Kevin Eubanks did not quit, he’s just taking a leave of absence. Does not explain henna tattoo.

10:47pm: Commercial break. Commercial for “Old Dogs” on DVD.  I get some chips.

10:50pm: Jaywalking: You guys, this shit is hilarious! You see- these average Americans that just happen to be walking down the street get INTERVIEWED and asked the simplest of questions and they. don’t. know. the. answers. Holy fucking shit. Now this is comedy. I get more chips.

10:55pm: Commercial break. Commercial for Restasis and Nyquil.

11:05pm: First guests: Olympic winners. Olympic winners who we once found to be bold, brave and entertaining when they were flipping through the air, swirling on ice, flying like a speeding bullet down snow, are now sitting down on an oversized couch, wearing slacks, and talking to Jay about flipping through the air, swirling on ice, flying like a speeding bullet down snow. I nod off into my empty chip bowl.

11:25pm: I immediately rouse from my couchy chip bowl slumber and excitedly focus on the television. Oh, it’s still Jay Leno- it wasn’t just an awful dream. Like what happens in fairy tales and that Katherine Heigl movie where she wants to date the hot, charming, rich guy and has dreams about him but then wakes up alone in her apartment with a half-eaten scone on her sweatpants and her hair all messed up with the TV blaring Cary Grant’s voice and then she realizes, “Augh, that was just a dream. And this is real life. And real life is a nightmare.”

11:27pm: Jay Leno makes comment about being excited to be back as host. Then, in the same breath, makes an outdated joke about Snookie. World implodes. Jay rolls around on the band’s electric keyboard, drinking a Capri Sun, and introduces the musical guest.

11:30pm: Musical guest: Lady Antebellum plays a song that has nothing to do with the period of history before the American Civil War.

11:35pm: Thank you/See you tomorrow/Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon/Suck My Balls. Credits.

1970’s Polaroid Break!!!

End break

Take this quiz from the Pew Research Center to find out: “What’s Your Political News IQ?”

And then take this quiz from the Pew Research Center to find out: “How Millennial Are You?”

The findings will shock you! It seems that the more college education you have….the more you know about political news! And it seems that the younger you are…the more millennial you are!

And ya know what? I don’t even care how obvious these are. I effing love taking quizzes because, you see, I can’t be at my therapist/shaman/temple/drunk all the time, so, I’m just going to have to do some self-exploration and discovery via the internet on my own.

What does my purse say about me? “You’ve got a handle on life but you’re never too uptight to kick back and enjoy yourself!” Sounds about right.

What Spring Trend Should I try? “Shirts and pants with printed roses, rose embedded cuffs, a tribal printed scarf, or a cute fringe purse” Sure, why not?!

What’s my perfect prom make-up look? “Apply tinted moisturizer to even out your complexion, then sweep a lavender shadow on your lids, up to the brow bones and inner corners, apply a darker purple to the outside half of your lid to your creases, bronzer, sheer purple lip gloss.” Thanks, Seventeen online quiz-that saved me a pricey  make-up consultant from Chanel cosmetics!