“Sam, I can only account for what occurs on this base.” -Gerty

(and by books I mean: clothing, mail, and empty Whole Foods vegan chocolate chip cookie wrappers)

I know. Me too. But now you can! For those people who want to fold paper but just can’t seem to fit it in their schedules. 

Cram the ancient, meditative Japanese art in between taking Sophie to piano, dropping off the dry cleaning, picking up your husband from work and then dropping him off at the car dealership so he can get his Toyota Camry that needed a new catalytic converter. Create beautiful swans, flowers, and morph balls in the tranquil three minutes you have between cooking a fried chicken from Thomas Keller’s Ad Hoc cookbook, feeding the baby, checking your email, and finishing that 500 page report that will save your company. You might only have 8 minutes to yourself each day, but goddammit, you will fold paper. And it will be as relaxing and enjoyable as the centuries-old Japanese practitioners intended.

Recently, a series of photographs from the Charles W. Cushman Collection were featured on the Daily Mail online. The photos were taken on a fancy color Kodachrome camera from 1941 to 1942 in New York City. The collection depicted both the city and its people during the time in American history after the Great Depression and during World War II. The above photo and its caption immediately caught my attention and I found myself asking the important question: 

“Why are these homeless men so fucking hot?” 

These 1941 homeless men are dressed better than most moderate to high salaried men in America today. I could name fourteen of my friends that would make out with these vintage homeless men right now. And that doesn’t include Rachel, who once actually brought a homeless guy to her house. 

I wish I could go back in time and tell them, “No! Don’t give up hope, homeless men of the South Ferry doss houses! Invent a time machine and go to the year 2011 where the majority of men wear dirty Hooters t-shirts and those black, shiny shoes they wear on The Jersey Shore, and you will score a cute dame and she will take care of you and give you food and an automobile and a phone that you can take with you anywhere. And you’ll probably be featured on The Sartorialist! Oh, it’s just this website. Nevermind. I am so not explaining what computers are right now.” 

Decide whether each statement describes Kim Kashkashian or Kim Kardashian and check your answers below to see how well you know your Kims!

1. Made a sex tape with Ray J.

2. Won the 2nd prize at the 1980 Lionel Tertis International Viola Competition and the 1980 ARD International Music Competition in Munich.

3. Posted nude for Playboy in 2007.

4. Currently teaches at the New England Conservatory.

5. Once said: “I have nothing against a very good transcription, and to define that, a good transcription adds something to the piece of music.  However, I can’t think of any concerti that fit into that category off hand.  Recital repertoire, certainly, is more flexible in that regard.”

6. Once said: “When I was 17 I made these headbands, and I would sell them to stores. I would sew in these flowers with fishing line. I’d match them with everything, like with my sweater and eyeliner.”

7. Played the viola in the soundtrack of the film Ulysses’ Gaze, together with Eleni Karaindrou. Her albums have won awards, notably the 1999 Edison Prize and the Cannes Prize for Chamber Music in 2000.

8. Filmed a music video for a song titled “Jam (Turn it up)” and premiered the song during a New Year’s Eve party at TAO Las Vegas on December 31, 2010.

9. Guest-starred in an episode of “Just the 10 of Us.” 

10. Once said, “I look bad in these leggings.” 

Answer Key

1. Kardashian 2. Kashkashian 3. Kardashian 4. Kashkashian 5. Kashkashian 6. Kardashian 7. Kashkashian 8. Kardashian 9. Neither. 10. Also neither. 

0-3 correct: Boo. You don’t know your Kims very well.

4-7 correct: Eh, you sorta know your Kims.

8-10 correct: Congrats! You really know your Kims!

Can you see it? 

Editorial note: this photo was not taken in 1983. This was taken yesterday by my sister. 

Photo of mermaid cat/schizophrenia in the shape of blown glass by Becky