We all know how much I love Martha’s brain, but yesterday she had Eric Ripert and Anthony Bourdain on her show to make coq au vin and my head almost exploded. Some people want to be at Puff Daddy’s white party (does he still have those?), other people want to be at Voyeur with Lindsay Lohan (is she still acting?). Me? I want to be at this spotless, bourgeois country time kitchen soundstage with polite Mr. Ripert, brash Mr. Bourdain, and the always seemingly stoned Martha. Speaking of stoned…

…the episode with Snoop was the second best hour of television to grace our airwaves. I love this effing show.

Look at that intricate bra.

I bet wings are hard to walk in.

Yay! They are playing Lady Gaga.

Augh, Tyra.

She is pretty. She just had a baby?

None of this will make me buy anything with the work “PINK” on it.

She is pretty, I bet she is from Brazil.

Let’s watch an Always Sunny re-run.

Click.

The best cake ever made. Thank you, best bf ever. Guys, if you want to know a way to a girls heart, its through an Eric Cartman cake. So anyway, did Jon Cryer really win? REALLY? Like, you’re not joking. You’re not saying this to make me guffaw and get all worried  and then you’ll tell me that Neil Patrick Harris really won, right? No?  In the words of Eric Cartman, “GOD DAMMIT! I hate you, Joooon, I hate you, so very, very much.”

The rumor that I made up in my brain is that the producers of Top Chef got together and decided to get the opposite cast of last year: no one has any personality whatsoever. Do you remember Fabio and Stefan? Who smiled and laughed and made goofball cracks at each other from day one? Do you remember Carla who was like your awesome hippy aunt and screamed “hootie-hoo!” throughout every Whole Foods trip? And famous quasi-skanks, Hosea and Leah? They all have now been replaced with a cast of robots dressed as chefs, and the leaders are The Brothers Bore. It is my theory that they are either, seriously, the most boring humans on the planet, cabable of no emotion or humor or glee, or that they have botoxed their faces and their larynxes.

They begin the episode with a clip of the Brothers Bore and Jag Guy talking to each other about how they are the best chefs. Um. Did you forget about Le Bernadin Jen? She is just as good as Bros and way better than Jag Guy who can’t even pronounce, “gyro.” To begin the snoozefest, they cooked….omg….CACTUS. Everyone’s looked average to disgusting, but all looked amazing compared to what we would have cooked if we were handed a cactus leaf and forced to create a dish for Mean Top Chef Masters Guy. None of this really matters because Padma was wearing a flowy white top, jeans, and whiteish cowboy boots. Blahblah Jag Guy wins.

On to the Elimination Challenge: Go to a ranch in 100 degree heat, sleep in teepees and then cook for a ton of real life ranchers. Highlights:

-Beardy Guy is the BEST at horseshoes and seems like a nice man.

-Jamaican Guy thinks people carry swords in the dessert/anywhere. (He needed to cut his coconut.)

-Tom Coliccio spits out raw fish into the arid dessert sand. If only they had spitoons, like in old timey days, this would have been even more hilarious.

-Padma was dressed like a saloon whore in a flowy  dress and vest. It seems the wardrobe department got their heads together and thought, “hmmmm dessert….ranchers….flowy? yeah! Flowy. Let’s get her flowy! yeah man! Flow it up.”

-Blahblah, Boring Twin wins. Which one? Who cares. Does it really matter? Nothing matters. Because we’re still going to watch it week after week. Because we want to see what Padma is wearing and we like learning about food and we like Beardy Guy and Jen and we like watching it at home with bf and we are still holding out that Tom is going to flip out and cry over poorly cooked oxtail.  If only the cast of The Rachel Zoe Project were excellent chefs. How much more fun would that be?

1. Women today get  more divorces because they don’t know how to cook.

2. Black moms don’t like white girls who want to marry their son.

3. If a black mom calls a white girl a “white devil” and the white girl starts crying, she will be told that “there is no crying in this house.”

4. If I choose my fiance, my mom will be upset; If I choose my mom, my fiance will be upset.

5. People actually want to get married on television.

6. People actually want to watch people get married on television.

7. There are some people who don’t know how to clean.

8. Only two more days until the wedding!

9. White Devils think cooking includes putting grease in a pot and stirring it.

10. The CW does not provide the stars of  Hitched or Ditched with the same wardrobe as the cast of 90210.

11. I do.