“And Robin leaves Top Chef. FINALLY.  Now I can devote all my Top Chef time to hating on the younger Voltaggio dickhole.  Am I the only person who thinks this guy is a fucking douche?  He’s a total cockface.  “I don’t have to say it to anyone, but I got a Michelin star when I was 26.”  Dick, you just said it.  I don’t get the judges’ boners for this guy.  He made a freaking chicken finger with buffalo sauce.  And, oh ny god, what’s this? He put some blue cheese on top!  I love the interplay of the buffalo sauce and blue cheese!  Well we might as well have top chef set in Hooters next season.  Jesus.

Let’s go fat man Kevin.  A real winner, food looks good and this guy can eat.  The other girl, the pothead blonde, I love it.  A complete mental breakdown for my veiwing pleasure? Yes please.  I can just imagine the producers off camera deciding to send other dickhole, Mike from Jersey home last week.

Producer A:  ”well, MIke is a dick and I think he’s starting to grate on people’s nerves.”

Producer B: “yeah, and we found another total dick in the one Voltaggio kid with the fucking knife and fork hand tattoo.”

Prducer C:  ”Totally, and we have to keep Robin around for at least one more week because she is so annoying and sucky and we always keep at least one annoying and sucky person around til the end, hell last year we let an annoying and sucky person win the whole thing!”

Producer A:  ”Hmm, what if we send the blonde girl home?”

Producer C:  ”No, she is having a breakdown.  I want to see how far we can push her.  Get the judges to tell her that she seems like she is losing it and then hide her pot from her.”

Who’s left.  Old Voltaggio robot and Eli.  Ok, I like Eli.  He’s not a great chef obviously, but he thinks he is which is adorable.  He also lives with his parents, which he admits is both bogus and sad. However he is on a cable show, and he still knows how to party.  But what he’d really like to do is do Top Chef for a living.  It might happen.  Shh’yeah and monkeys might fly out of my butt.”

Ben feels greatly about this. Here is something I feel strongly about: Padma having her own sitcom. If you compare her to Charlie Sheen, she could be great. But if you compare her to Debra Messing, she will be a crapbag disaster. The theory of relativity  is everywhere. Just like this swine flu I probably am coming down with. “Who’s Anthony who’s Anthony?”

The strollers of today look like tiny baby space machines. Why? Why are strollers now $3,000 and come equipped with springs and shock absorbers and sun shades and diamond wheels? Do you remember when strollers once looked like this?

When they were just a peice of cloth with some wheels? Because I do. I pushed my little sister around in some cloth with wheels and she turned out just fine and now these mommies find it necessary to buy these ridiculous over-priced strollers and one-up all the other mommies with fanciest stroller. Another problem is that they are always bringing these strollers in to morning brunch spots. Old school strollers used to fold up into a tiny stick you could practically fit it in your jean jacket pocket. Now, they take up 9 square feet that could be used for another table to sit down and enjoy some huevos rancheros. And they take up so much room on the street you have to smash yourself  into a building to let them pass. Well ya know what, yuppie mommies? You better watch out. Because if I have a child or even baby-sit a child, I’m going to wheel them around in a pram.

Yep.  A pram. And it’s going to take up so much space at brunch, you’re going to have to wait an extra 40 minutes to sit down. And I might roll over your feet too on the way out.  And its going to take up so much room on the sidewalk, you and your dog and husband and fancy babies are going to have to just move on over, because Pram Baby is coming through. Watch out for Pram Baby. Now, who wants me to baby-sit their kids?

There aren’t many foods I won’t eat. I’ll eat old frozen pizza, I’ll eat stale popcorn, I’ll eat sheep brains with morel mushrooms, I’ll eat grocery store brand lucky charms in those bags,  and then some. That’s not to say I eat these foods all the time, I just have before and probably would again. Jamba Juice’s Wrap was so fucking disgusting, I didn’t eat it and would never again. The wrap does not fit in the category of old pizza and brains. It falls in the category of: something a bum took a bite of and threw on the street, something that has mold, anything from Popeye’s, something that I take a bite of and spit into the garbage…the category of: I would never eat.

The first problem is that its a wrap. Can we, as humans, get over wraps already? Somewhere, at some point, some “health analyst” said wraps were healthy. They are not. They have 1000 calories, don’t taste as good as bread, and get soggy. The nutrition label says that the wrap has 14 grams of fat, all 14 are in the actual wrappy tortilla shell. The soggy tortilla shell they colored green to seem healthy and tastes like packing peanuts. Homemade bread is so delicious and better for you, so boo to wraps.

The healthy “wrap” is filled with red quinoa and hummus. The quinoa was dry as was the crusty hummus. If you’re going to throw quinoa in something, please, don’t overcook it. Because when you do, Mr. Jamba Juice cooker who is probably 15 years old, it tastes like tiny balls of garbage. And hummus, when used fresh, is delicious. When it is dry and crumbly, it falls out of your mouth like a four year-old. The wrap is also full of  vegetables. Whatev. But the WORST part about this, is the DIPPING SAUCE. It’s a mango dressing that wreaks like garlic that you are supposed to dip this sloppy, green torpedo in.  Jamba Juice, I get why you chose “mango” dressing. Because dumb slobs equate mango with being healthy and exotic and someone probably ate it in the South Beach diet. But when was the last time you dipped a mango in fucking hummus? Never. No one has ever dipped a mango in hummus ever in the history of the planet.

It seems as though the Jamba Juice executive cheff decided that if you mix every healthy food together, it will taste good: green wrap, quinoa, hummus, mango, “veggies” = sell to fat Americans who don’t know any better. Well JJ, your buzzwords don’t fool Us Bad Guys. Anyone with a mouth will figure out this tastes like a mess of health that has been sitting in a damp refrigerator for five very long, very sad days.

If we keep going at this rate  Jamba Juice’s next menu item will be  a spinach, egg white, almond, salmon, blueberry shake. And if that happens, I will order it and dump it onto the register causing it to short out and infect the mother board of Jamba Juices and they will all implode into space where aliens who don’t know any better will enjoy the foreign wrap. Although that means we won’t have the Berry Fulfilling smoothie anymore, which we love. Win some lose some.

(Full disclosure: My Greens and Grain Wrap was free. An overzealous man on Michigan ave shoved it in my face and so I took it because I thought, initially, it was some sort of bag of chips. I was very, very wrong)

Who’s brilliant idea was it to put windows in television studios? No, seriously… was a man sitting at home, watching the news and just thought, “Ya know…this news story is great. But what would be really great is if behind the news story is a giant window with 12 year-old girls and 55 year-old men holding signs and waving at me! Yeah! I want to see people fucking WAVING at me and shiiiiiet when I watch news!! Somebody get me NBC.” And the funny thing is- everyone has copied this crappy idea. Here I am, trying to watch Leslie Mann on ‘Good Morning America’ because she’s awesome and there’s some stupid girl in the background who doesn’t stop waving for ten minutes. Guess what, Sophie?! We see you. Your mom sees you. Your bff’s Kiki and Kaylie and Madison at Lakeview Middle School see you too. Your grandma doesn’t see you because she hates Diane Sawyer and watches ‘The Today Show’ instead but she’ll see you on tape. So, stop waving. Dear lord. Let me watch Leslie Mann without a distracting pale hand furiously waving to and fro. Is that so much to ask on this lovely Wednesday morning? Huh? To watch Leslie Mann in peace?

Dear Weird Lady,

I received your friend request in my inbox I am sorry to say that I have no idea who you are. I researched further (saw you are a fan of Barack Obama) and I still did not recognize who you were but did discover we had 50 mutual friends, all of which I recognize from high school. Be that as it may, I still don’t know you, so I ignored your friend request.

Apparently, you are very persistent. The next day, I get ANOTHER friend request from you. Except this time- you change your profile picture to your fucking baby. I didn’t recognize you when it was a blurry picture of you by a christmas tree, how the fuck am I going to recognize you by a picture of your god damn baby?! Is it not true that *most* babies look exactly the same, not to mention when it is a blurry photo of the baby by a christmas tree?! (Seriously, you should get a new camera.) Ignore friend request.

Well, lady, you won’t fucking give up. You want my electronic friendship SO badly that you requested it a third time. Do you not understand that I don’t recognize your face, aided by the fact that you most likely got married and have a new last name, and topped off with the fact that you changed your picture to your fucking blurry baby?!

Stop. Requesting. My. Friendship.

Unless you’re going to add a message that says, “Hey, we cut a frogs foot off one time in 8th grade together. LOL. Will you please allow me to read our wall and see your status updates and favorite things and intimate pictures and secrets? Thanx!” don’t request me. You are practically anonymous.

Sincerely,
Girl Facebook User

(as originally posted, but still relevant today, in my Facebook “notes”, April 2008)

1. I Love You, Man
2. Encino Man
3. Iron Man
4. Yes, Man
5. Spider Man
6. Two and A Half Men The Movie
7.  The Hottie and the Nottie
8.  All porn movies
9. Junior
10. White Chicks
11. The one where Gweneth Paltrow dresses up like a man. Or she’s fat. Whatever.
12.  She’s The Man

Ladies,  this douche bag wrote the book. Which turned into the movie.

Would you ever date this douche bag? Didn’t think so.

Nor should you listen to him tell you how to be a robot so men will like you.

Michael Jackson died yesterday, which first and foremost means that Megan Fox’s scheduled appearance on The Today Show (today) is canceled. Bah. Sort of like when you were little and you were so excited to watch Full House and then out of nowhere there was a tornado warning and everything got interrupted or canceled and you pouted but also wore your bike helmet for tornado safety.

This news would be fine if they dedicated all of the seven hours that make up The Today Show to a tribute of MJ songs, shrines and  accomplishments but they’re talking to some darsh about where his children are going and about all of MJ’s no money. boring. Ill take Fox giving intelligently stupid answers to a drooling Matt Lauer please.

UPDATE:  Her appearance on Regis and Kelly is still on, which today is actually called “Regis and William Shatner.” They played a clip from the movie where she smashed a bug transformer and said, “I’m your worst nightmare.”

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