Sometimes it’s better GOOP late than never. Us Bad Guys were in nyc and then contracted an illness that is either h1n1 or the common cold, which is why this little web page has been so quiet. Until now. I have finally gotten the chance to sit down and read last weeks GOOP which was a “Do.” I read about three sentences and then fell asleep which was from nyquil but mostly the words “investing” and “bankers.” augh. This weeks GOOP is about…FINANCE. The most boring of all words in the land. There seems to be this involuntary gloss that goes over my eyes whenever I hear things about: hedge funds, commodites, both types of flation (in and de), IRAs, etc.

This is why I’m a poor girl writing on a blog instead of a ridiculously dashing, handsome, suit-wearing Wall Street trader investment banker guy that is up at 3 am checking Chinese stocks and pounding redbull to make it through to the closing bell. Then, dependent upon the DOW, I either drown my sorrows or celebrate at Scores with $4000 worth of strippers, champagne, redbull and blow until 1am. Man. What a good life that must be that I don’t lead.

Anyway. Gwyn was really nice to try to help people with their money instead of telling them to buy dresses they can’t afford and stay at hotels most people who aren’t married to Cold Play Guy can’t afford. Which is why I put up a really pretty picture of Gern today. Do you see the correlation with this? Say stupid shit= ugly picture. Say nice things/be awesome = pretty picture. It’s really simple. Just like this explanation of hedge funds:

“Most hedge funds use those basic assets discussed above, but do things with them so that the return is different than the assets themselves. The result is that the returns that hedge funds deliver will be different than what you would receive if you owned the stocks, bonds, or commodities themselves.”

I don’t know what happened on Gwyn’s vacation but I think it has a little something to do with Cold Play Guy scoring some weed from an old Jamaican high priest because Gwyneth is fun, stoned, and mad hungry for some Korean food. She’s back this week with another riveting GOOP video starring Chef Lee Gross, who may or may not be Asian, and herself (of course) cooking spicy miso and bibimbop at her lovely  and perfect homstead. I think you’ll agree, Gwynsy is amazingly (and surprisingly) tolerable and hilarious in this weeks home video. If she keeps this up, she may just become our best friend. But only if the “yummy” count stays under five times in one video. We do have standards.

Fave Quote: “I can never pronounce it right. bibimbop. bibimbop. bibimbop.” 

Saddest Quote: “I”m in the kitchen with my friend Lee Gross who is the best chef I know.” (Batali  is obviously crying on his fancy boat after hearing this. After all he’s done for her.)

Lesson Learned: If a toy company ever makes a Gwyneth doll make sure it comes with a joint. High Gwyn is fun.

well. she’s not back yet. there was no goop in my spam inbox this week. and she didn’t send a letter this week either. so, i have prepared a compare/contrast full of Gwyneth’s quotes from her “GO” section.

GWYN: Barcelona is a city full of wonder and beauty. I first went when I was 19 years old, with some train money and a backpack and not much else.

BGH: Las Vegas is a city full of wonder and beauty. I first went when I was 19 years old, with some sorority sisters and a backpack of slutty tank tops.

GWYN: When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Paris, leaving my younger brother and mother in London where she was filming a movie.

BGH: When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Washington DC, where my younger sister and mother also went because we went places as a family. And she was a principal and not the mom in Meet The Parents.

GWYN: As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me.

BGH: As much as I am a product of many places, I am a midwestern girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious region and it is part of who I am. We don’t have uptowns and downtown in the midwest. It’s just Chicago and then towns.

GWYN: Los Angeles, where I was born and partially raised, will always hold a special place in my heart. Not the L.A. of Hollywood, but the old-school seventies beach vibe which still lingers in corners.

BGH: Wisconsin, where I was born and actually raised, will always hold a special place in my heart. Not the farm-y Wisconsin, but the old school polish gangbuster vibe which still lingers in packing districts and  pierogi shops.

If you are keeping up on GOOP recaps, Gernerth Plowtrow has been out of town for the entire month of August, vacationing. I know when I get done filming a movie in a beautiful, remote location I need a month long vacation in a beautiful remote location. Gurf. Anyway, last week we received a letter from her via snail mail talking about the trip. At the end she said she got the beauteous privilege of doing something no one else can ever do, eat Mario Baterrrrli’s hand. So, here is her second letter:

“Dear Bad Guys,

Greetings again from Serpicopla, Europe! It’s lovely as a maiden fairchild! I don’t know what that means but usually I just say any words that come to my mind and they sound lovely and perfect because I am Gernerth, and everything I say is precious and beans. Now, on to The Hand. The Hand was lovely, yummy, beautiful, beauteous, fresh, vegan, cleanse, gorgeous, England, gorge, Shakespeare in Love, lovely love, precious, talented, skinny, diet, dress, fancy, gorge, microbiotic, beatiful, Coldplay, baby.

I apologize on having to keep this short, for my husband, Cold Play Guy, is calling me to sing a song to neighboring geese to lure them into our vacation home, dress them in party hats, and then slaughter them for food. alas.

lovely,

gernerth. “

If you recall, Gernerth is on vacay and decided to put GOOP on hiatus until she gets back because it’s not like some qualified intern can slop together some quotes and anecdotes and send it to a listserv. Only Gwyneth knows how to do that so we will wait. That being said, we have great news. Gern has sent us a letter in the mail from her vacation that Us Bad Guys will share with you now:

“Dear Bad Guys,

Greetings from Serpicopla, Europe. You have never heard of Serpicopla because it only exists to those who are fortunate and privileged enough to have been in the movie, Shallow Hal. It is very beauteous and lovely here. Yesterday I ate some airbrushed arugula and drank the blood of a vegan, organic, farm-raised boar, that I lovingly called, “Sea Biscuit.” Then I rolled down a beautiful hill into a meadow filled with narcissism, entitlement, and despair where I played mancala with rocks made of diamond whales. It was lovely and beauteous. Then my husband, Coldplay Guy, read me excerpts from my favorite piece of literature, “LA Candy” written by a contemporary female Shakespeare. It was lovely and kind and beautiful. I was so exhausted from doing nothing, I washed myself with the sweat of Madonna and Cameron Diaz, which I brought with me in a 3 ounce sealable container. It was both lovely and beateous and kind and yummy.

Then, Mario Batali came and served us the most memorable, lovely meal. After 38 beautiful courses, Mario walked over to me and said, “Gernerth. You are wonderful and beauteous and kind and lovely and yummy and beautiful. You deserve to do things that other people aren’t as fortunate to do and tell people about them. So, I would like you to do the one thing no one else in the world will be able to do, except you, you little privledged one. Please, eat my hand. And so I ate his hand, which I will talk about in next week’s GOOP.

Lovely,

Gernerth Plowtrow. ”

Last week we reported that GOOP is on hiatus until September because Gernerth is in Moscow eating golden truffles, pretending to read books so she appears to be intelligent and making out with her husband, Coldplay Guy. So, we figured that for the next three weeks, we’d make up our own versions of GOOP. This week will be Bad Guy style. Next will be a fake Gwyneth one. And the third week will be another celebrity’s GOOP.

GET our friend Lindsey’s vintage, handmade jewelry on Etsy.

MAKE a cake in the shape of a cigar and send it to John Edwards, now that we know he is the father.

BE a good American. Stop watching town hall debates on health care and pay attention to what really matters in life.

DO not miss the series premiere of Mad Men this Sunday or you’re going to regret it forever part of Monday.

SEE if you can make it through the entire movie  Shakespeare In Love. Or Shallow Hal. Or Bounce.

GO visit Mount Rushmore. Why the hell don’t people go to Mount Rushmore anymore? Why isn’t anyone talking about this?

Blah Blah Some Recipes Blah Blah. The problem with this weeks GOOP is the announcement that GOOP will not be back until September because Gwernerth is taking a vacation. She is taking a vacation from slaughtering ScarJo chickens, reading books for leisure and wearing dresses. I get it- reading Food Inc. and not appearing on magazine covers is tiring. The thing is, really Gwyn, you couldn’t have worked extra hard for a couple of days and line up a few more GOOP’s, just to last you the next three weeks, as to keep your website/newsletter/brag words disguised as help consistent? It’s really not that hard to throw some of your friend’s quotes in to a fucking email and save it. Do magazines come out over the holidays when no one is there? Yes, because they work extra hard beforehand. Do children get Halloween candy when people are away on vacation during trick-or-treating? Yes, because the family goes to Target, buys a huge bucket, throws candy in it, makes a sign that says, “Please take only one” and puts it on their door step. It’s not fucking hard to plan ahead a little bit and throw in some extra effort, because if you keep this up, your website is going to wither into obscurity, just like your Korean jean ad.

Fave Quote: “Goop is going on vacation…we will see you in September!”

Since Gwyn really stretched herself last week with a video, she has nothing to do with her GOOP this week. Making chicken is tiring. Thank god she has some downtime in August which she will take full advantage of by reading books, so she asked her friends to compile a list of  their recommended books for her summer reading. (A personal assistant task disguised as an honor.) Us Bad Guys already have a stack of books 5 feet tall we need to read due to our book buying issues, so we don’t give a fuck about her list….but what is amazing is what we learned about Gwenyth’s friends.

-Abby Kane’s four year-old son has Type I diabetes.

-Ellen Silverman is an NYC mother.

-Mark Wells works in risk management.

-Luke Janklow is extremely tall.

Gwyneth makes lots of decisions each day including what splendid dress to wear and, most recently, how to describe her friends.  This is what she chooses. “My friends kid has a disease, she thinks you should read these books.”  and “Yo! My friend is motha fuckin’ TALL. check it.” and “Oh, you heard about my other friend, who is a mother….in NEW YORK CITY? Yeah. New York CITY! A mother!”

Fave Quote: “ I’ve asked some friends for their best summer reads – to help narrow down the plethora of great novels. “

Let’s narrow the plethora.

So if you’ve been keeping up with stuff that doesn’t matter, Gwyneth and Scarlett Johansson are in Iron Man 2 together and apparently Gwensy hated her during filming and now, most recently, hates her even more that she got shut out of the Entertainment Weekly cover.

Which is why we suspect this week’s GOOP is a video of Gwynsy massacring a chicken. A younger, happier, innocent chicken with red hair and more talent. Gwynsy cuts through bone, flesh and skin, ripping out parts, smashing it into a pan, shoving sharp objects in it, and cooks it at temperatures similar to the blazing fires of hell. And then, in a sick display of revenge, she eats it in front of our very eyes.

Now that’s just speculation. But in reality, this video will probably the most boring 7 minutes and 39 seconds of your life. So if you want to make ScarJo chicken, here is the recipe. And if you want to get the gist of her video without having to watch it, here are some quotes. Actual quotes. Words that came out of her mouth. All just seconds apart from one another.

-”We’ve got these beautiful radishes”

-”We’ve got some lovely watercress”

-”We’ve got this beautiful lettuce”

-”We’ve got some lovely rosemary.”

-”We’ve got some gorgeous arugula. It’s just beauteous.”

-”We got these beautiful carrots. The colors are just gorge.”

-”We’ve got some gorgeous sage.”

-”We’ve got some beautiful purple onion.”

-”We’ve got these gorgeous sweet english peas.”

-”I learned this trick in England”

G. Palts is lazy this week, she must be in Spain pretending to enjoy the food she can’t eat because she’s on a cleanse/macrobiotic diet/boring. She didn’t contribute anything to her weekly GOOP newsletter. She just asked a few ladies who have been in long relationships, “how do you stay in long relationships?” and that’s it. And then we get this huge long newsletter that is too tedious to read. Lucky for  you, I’ve chosen the best quotes.

Gwynsy Asked: “What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship or marriage?”

Monica Berg, spiritual leader: “Finding the opportunities in day-to-day experiences to engage and create beautiful moments and memories together is what it’s all about.”

Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes, doctor, “Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.”

Cynthia Bourgeault, preacher:, “But as all of you who have ever been married know, and as you yourselves, Gwen and Rod, are beginning to discover – marriage is not the culmination of love, but only the beginning.”

Rebekah Sawyer, lady: “My New Year’s answer to this self-reflective dialogue included an invitation, so I said to my husband of many years (lifetimes?), Babe, let’s find a moment, daily, to surprise each other with a kiss, a DEEP one.”

Well there you have it. Insight into keeping happy, long relationships. If only she knew these things 15 years ago, maybe Gwensy would still be with Brad Pitt, forcing him to proofread GOOP every Wednesday night when he wants to ride his motorcycle and smoke cigars he bought in Durban. I have some other ideas on how to keep a happy relationship, too, that may or may not include: being honest, being faithful, laughing, helping in and out of cabs, wine shopping, making out during a Gwyneth Paltrow movie because it’s so boring, and ice cream sundae Tuesdays.