Today, Us Bad Guys went to Chinatown for some pho and because we like to drive around for 30 minutes looking for parking on Sundays. Bad Guy T found the visit disappointing, as it was not “1970s Chinatown. You know, with switchblades and knifefights.” Instead we got bubble tea with pearls, sweet rolls, smash toys and colorful candy. Chinatown just isn’t what it used to be in movies.
Take this quiz from the Pew Research Center to find out: “What’s Your Political News IQ?”
And then take this quiz from the Pew Research Center to find out: “How Millennial Are You?”
The findings will shock you! It seems that the more college education you have….the more you know about political news! And it seems that the younger you are…the more millennial you are!
And ya know what? I don’t even care how obvious these are. I effing love taking quizzes because, you see, I can’t be at my therapist/shaman/temple/drunk all the time, so, I’m just going to have to do some self-exploration and discovery via the internet on my own.
What does my purse say about me? “You’ve got a handle on life but you’re never too uptight to kick back and enjoy yourself!” Sounds about right.
What Spring Trend Should I try? “Shirts and pants with printed roses, rose embedded cuffs, a tribal printed scarf, or a cute fringe purse” Sure, why not?!
What’s my perfect prom make-up look? “Apply tinted moisturizer to even out your complexion, then sweep a lavender shadow on your lids, up to the brow bones and inner corners, apply a darker purple to the outside half of your lid to your creases, bronzer, sheer purple lip gloss.” Thanks, Seventeen online quiz-that saved me a pricey make-up consultant from Chanel cosmetics!
Us Bad Guys realize that sometimes lyrics to songs are difficult to understand. Our new feature, for as long as until we get sick of it, will be to provide the general, internet-browsing public with lyrics to songs we deem difficult to figure out on your own. You’re welcome. First up:
‘Two Princes’ by Spin Doctors – Lyrics
Two princes
he want to buy you rocket. duahaduahduadhabemedowowmdomwow
what i said now
go ahead now. dar dar dar
THIS ONE HE WANTS TO BUY YOU FLOWAS I SAY GO AHEAD NOW
iehhhhhhhawahah bip bip bip bip BIP diba diba diba diba bow bow
I’m da one dat loveya bibi can’t ya see? I ain’t got a family tree.
I said go ahead now.
dar dar dar
what I said now
Shit motha fucka! I’m gonna steal the shit out of this soap. I’m going to walk into Walgreens, look around, see some Oil of Olay Body Botanical Fusion Body Wash Hydrate Plus Body Butter Ribbons and steal the shit out of it.
And then I’m gonna run from the cops, change my shirt wile in pursuit, climb over some fences, go home and take a nice, hot, relaxing bath with my new, stolen motha fuckin’ exfoliating, age-defying skin care product with anti-mothafuckin’-oxidants, vitamin E and Retinal.
Ok, that never happened. But this did:
We all know how much I love Martha’s brain, but yesterday she had Eric Ripert and Anthony Bourdain on her show to make coq au vin and my head almost exploded. Some people want to be at Puff Daddy’s white party (does he still have those?), other people want to be at Voyeur with Lindsay Lohan (is she still acting?). Me? I want to be at this spotless, bourgeois country time kitchen soundstage with polite Mr. Ripert, brash Mr. Bourdain, and the always seemingly stoned Martha. Speaking of stoned…
…the episode with Snoop was the second best hour of television to grace our airwaves. I love this effing show.
Two weeks ago, we wrote a post about how lame it was that only white actresses appeared on this month’s cover of Vanity Fair, eloquently titled, “What’s With All The White Bitches, Vanity Fair?”. Today, Bad Guy Lindsey emailed us a clip from this weeks’ US Weekly magazine, which also decided to take issue and give their opinion have no opinion. Their critical, in-depth reporting skills did, however, report this:
So, THAT’S what happened! No wonder there were no African-American, African-African, Indian, Mexican, Latino, Asian, (etc.) actresses on the cover of Vanity Fair. They were all. just. fucking. busy. for the ONE-DAY shoot. Well, VF, we owe you an apology. Because, as we previously discussed, there are plenty of diverse actresses that deserved to be on the cover (Gabourey/Zoe/Freida/etc.) so, it just must have been that only white actresses were available that day. Vanity Fair must have scheduled the shoot on the holiday called, “Every Other Race Celebrates” day. Our apologies on what appears to be just a case of poor timing. May we never be critical about your artistic decisions again.
I will be on a diet consisting entirely of swiss chard, espresso beans and Xanax. And also, here is a fantastic video from the 1930s, that predicts what fashion will look like in the year 2000. It’s not terribly- oooh swish!- inaccurate.
Although, I do think more men should carry “candy for cuties” around. Or maybe they do and I’m just not very cute. Shit.
Cosmo’s guide to teaching young, impressionable high school girls how to be skanks is now on sale at your local supermarket check-out aisle. Which is my favorite aisle because of the “don’t forget you need” section. You know- the hand santizer, lighters, lint rollers, Junior Mints, home pregnancy tests, deck of cards section. I’d like to know who decided the universal items to stock there. Because I’ve never been in a check-out aisle and thought, “Ya know? This reminds me, I might be pregnant.” or “They’re right, I *am* running low on lighters with a horses on them.” If I were to stock that aisle, I’d put things you completely forget you need until you see them. Like birthday cards and vitamin D and Old El Paso make-your-own-taco kits.
Anyway, poor Carrie Underwood, standing so pretty next to such ugly copy. “Garrrr Look Here Girls! I show you how to touch naked man. Then we gather stick and rocks and saber tooth tiger bones. Gaaarrrrr. “
Vanity Fair, you’ve got to be god damn kidding me. These are your “fresh new Hollywood faces of 2010?!” This looks like my sorority’s chapter photo. No wait, we had some black girls and a couple Asian girls and an Indian girl and a girl who I think was Latino or just really tan and pretty. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. This is nothing against the talented women on the cover- I think Carey Mulligan was brililant in An Education and Anna Kendrick was amazing in Up In The Air and Rebecca Hall was in one of my fave movies, and Amanda Seyfried is as cute as a frickin’ peanut button dollface. But COME ON. Not *one* girl who isn’t white? Really? REALLY. Because here’s a suggestion…just a small suggestion of someone. It’s not like she has stormed the country with an award-winning performance this past year or anything…
OH! It’s just Gabourey Sibide, star of Precious, and nominated for Best Actress at the Golden Globes, SAG Awards, BAFTA Awards, Independent Spirit Awards, Chicago Film Critics Assocation, Black Reel Awards, NAACP Image awards, etc. etc. etc….and will probably be nominated for an Oscar (we’ll know tomorrow) this past year. Don’t mind her though. UPDATE: Yes, nominated for an Oscar for best actress. Yes, also cute as a button.
But who cares about her when you have Abbie Cornish to put on the cover….
Wanna know what Abbs has been nominated for this past year? Nothing! Until now. I’d like to nominate her for being blonde and white. It’s a win! She’s on the cover.
Oh, and Vanity Fair, here’s another question, what about this very talented and attractive movie star?
Sorrrrrayyyy! She just starred in an Oscar-winning film last year and has two projects coming out in 2010, including a Woody Allen movie, BUT, she’s Indian. Sorrrr-ayyyyy. Sorrrr-ayyyyy, Freida Pinto. Vanity Fair says no.
But what is, dare I say it, even stupider than this Vanity Fair article? The Huffington Post’s analysis of it. You see, HuffPo isn’t concerned that they’re are only white girls, they are most concerned that 1. They used a similar layout of the “young Hollywood” cover two years ago…and 2. Amanda Seyfried used to be on the cover and now she’s on the pullout inside. Wow, great fucking critique, HuffPo. Those are indeed this article’s biggest flaws.
I hereby declare, that Us Bad Guys will never buy another Vanity Fair magazine ever. Or at least until they have John Hamm, James Franco and Javier Bardem on the cover, shirtless, and petting a small, painted pony in a desert. And even then I’ll THINK about it. Or steal it.
