Are You There, God? It’s Me, Heidi Montag

Are you there, God? It’s me, Heidi Montag.  Or as I prefer you to call me when we’re alone: Sister Mary Sengwi Jujubai Jesus. Hey God. I like your purse. Anyhow, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a few things. People have been really critical of me lately, God. Really hurtful and judgmental. At first I thought it was because of my controversial Hermes Jesus crucifiction scarf but then I realized it’s because of my recent 10 plastic surgeries on my face and not my face. (Body.) Sorry, I can’t say b’s very well, it hurts my fragile but perfect jaw.

Anyhow, what they don’t realize is what we talk about, God. That a body is just a shell and inner beauty is inside. And if my inner beauty inside thinks I’m ugly and disgusting and malformed, well then it’s okay with Jesus to change it. That is what inner beauty is all about. It’s about allowing a surgeon to cut open your boobs with a sharp knife, shove a beach ball sized sack of gel into it, sew it up, wipe the blood off, give me drugs and then be ssssssssmokin’ hot in 8 weeks.

If God didn’t want people to get plastic surgery, why did he create plastic surgeons?

If God didn’t want women to have huge fake boobs, why did he create giant sacks of saline?

If God didn’t want me to be a pop star, why did he bless me with this angel voice I will be able to use just as soon as my face and jaw are not swollen from multiple surgeries and my auto-tune machine is repaired?

If God didn’t want anorexia, why did he create cigarettes and mustard?

If God didn’t want World War I to happen, why did he have the giant orange bird swoop out of the sky and murder Archduke Ferdinand in Orange Julius? Or was that Avatar? Whatever.

If God didn’t want God, why did he God to God God God?

God, I ask for the strength of Jesus and Jesus’ super strong friend, Nate, to get me through this tough time.  I need your strength to get through this harsh criticism, like when Billy Bush called me “barbie”. I know you have the power God, it’s not like there has been a major catastrophic event in another part of the world, injuring hundreds of thousands and leaving many suffering, so I know you have time to give me the strength I need to recover physically and mentally and emotionaly and Jesusally. Peace out.

Love and hugs and bishops and shit,

Sister Mary Sengwi Jujubai Jesus

(heidi xoxo)