The 5 Actual Realities of Being a Mistress

Today, the ever informative and insightful Huffington Post Living Section wrote an extensive one thousand word article about the “5 Realities of Being a Mistress” which could have been summed up into one sentence called, “you are not really important.” So read it if you want to waste your time but I’d like to offer up a list that may be more helpful:

5 Actual Realities of Being a Mistress

1. You might get AIDS. The reality is, his wife might have AIDS.  Or his wife might be getting AIDS pretty soon and then he’ll have it and then you will. This is especially a reality if you drink each other’s blood.

2. You probably won’t get a Valentine’s Day present. Is there any reason to be with a man if you’re not going to get a Valentine’s Day present? If you have not the slightest chance of seeing a Katherine Heigl movie and getting a heart shaped box full of chocolates that all have surprise pink shit in the middle? I think not.

3. Sometimes The Four Seasons will be booked. And then you will have to have sex in a Marriott Courtyard. There’s nothing more embarassing than being the mistress who gets taken to the Marriott Courtyard. What will you tell your other mistress friends when they tell stories about the Ritz Carlton or Chateau Marmont? That after he banged you he took you out for a romantic, complimentary continental breakfast of orange juice and Rice Krispies boxes? This is the reality, ladies.

4. You are not Joan Holloway. You are Skank Molloway.

5. You’re going to have to give a lot of blow jobs. Most men cheat because they don’t get blow jobs from their wives while they eat meat lovers pizza and watch the Dallas Cowboys and they’re going to want you to do that for them. And the grossest part about giving a blow job is also having to smell meat lovers pizza when you do it. This is the reality of being a mistress.