American Public, You are Unqualified Social Workers.

I’m not sure why I continually find myself sticking up for god damn Suri Cruise. But here I go again. First it was coffee. And now it’s her barely high heels that people are saying will damage little Suri’s tiny bones causing her to become a deformed monster in adulthood, to which her mother had to explain to the American public-turned social workers that they are actually very safe kid dance shoes but people still say she is a terrible mother. A terrible mother they say!

Last week, I saw a three year-old child eating a taco and drinking coca-cola out of a straw at 11pm at the taqueria near mi casa. But was I about to go up to her very intimidating Mexican mother wearing a Looney Tunes jacket and say, “Hola. This child should be in bed! And why is a three year-old eating el pastor anyway? That is a grown-up’s taco. Adios.”

No. Because she’d punch me. In the face. And ya-wanna-know-why? Because no one likes being told how to raise their children. And ya-wanna-know-what else? Wearing tiny heels is not even fucking bad compared to this taco eating, sugar drinking kid at the taqueria at 11 pm. And it’s also not as bad as that whiskey dad that lets his five-year-old son watch Kourtney and Khloe in Miami. And it’s not as bad as when your dad used to take you out behind the wood shed and beat you with a belt on the farm back in 1939. And it’s not as bad as all those parent child molesters. And none of those are as bad as those moms who make their babies be in beauty pageants.

So, to sum up this lesson:

Suri Cruise = not on a path to deformed adulthood because of shoes. But maybe deformed adulthood because of weird dad.

Katie Holmes = not not a good mom for letting her wear tiny heels and Starbucks hot chocolate. Should smile more.

Tom Cruise = might implode one day.

Mexican Taqueria Woman = she will punch you. In the face.

Unqualified Social Workers = if you really care about the well-being of children so much, why don’t you volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters  instead of trolling around on the internet making comments?

Me = had a sneaking suspicion the guy next to me at this coffee shop was Aziz Ansari until I saw he had a maltese puppy in a purse and decided no.  Also, might make potato leek soup for dinner. Also, will never post about Suri Cruise again.