What November 1st Means to Me.

To me, November 1st means waking up early with the dog, walking in the brisk November air to get a morning newspaper and coffee and seeing all the sluts do the walk-of-shame still in their costumes from the night before. There’s nothing more satisfying and nothing that raises one’s self esteem greater than seeing a woman dressed as a Slutty Police Cat walking home on November 1st with smeared make-up, one cat ear, and a missing stiletto or a man dressed in a monkey suit stained with Miller Light, waiting for the bus. If you suffer from mild depression or even just bouts of low self-esteem, November 1st is really a time to take a lawn chair out to a highly trafficked residential area and just stare. You’ll be feeling great about your self in no time. Now, all the haters and disagreers will think, “Yeah, but those guys got LAID last night, so that’s awesome.” And to that I say, “No, no, haters and disagreers, it is not. Because they don’t remember it, they don’t really care about each other, and the other person was probably really ugly.” And then I take a sip of my coffee and continue, “And also, they wake up with a pounding headache and now have to venture out into the bright daylight-savings light and face reality. And by reality I mean, clean, mostly sober, std-free, judgmental passerbys.

Sometimes I just want to stop and shake the ladies and say, “No! Don’t you understand!? November 1st is the time you wake up early while hook-up guy is still sleeping, steal his smallest clothes and get the eff out of there. If there is ever a time to steal, this is it. Seize the morning! It doesn’t have to be this way- you do not need to be wearing a milk maid dress on the el train on a Sunday morning. On Jesus’ morning.” Why don’t some girls have the sensibility to steal clothes to avoid public mockery? Or to go to their house at 3 am and make the boys walk home in the morning? Come ‘on ladies. Think with your heads. Like Katherine Heigl in that shit movie about how men and women think with different parts.

November 1st also means seeing pieces of Halloween costumes lined along the streets and alleys. Like this awesome abandoned robot costume on the sidewalk. This drunkard probably thought, “Fuck this robot costume, I’m sick of this. Hmmm…rectangle. Yeah, man. I’m just gonna put my rectangle by all these other rectangles to blend in and no one will ever know. Yeah. Rock on, man.”