Halloween: A ‘How To’ Guide for Poor Kids

We have already discussed how to make a Michael Jackson costume on the cheap, but lets be honest, girls aren’t going to go as him because he’s not slutty enough. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s pretty slutty, but Halloween is a time for girls ages 17-36 (and some 50 year-olds) to dress like the biggest skank ever made and not feel ashamed. This also means, that rich girls will get the most expensive skankiest dresses from Fredricks of Hollywood and Fancy Slut Halloween Warehouse and thousands of poor girls will yet again be Dolly Parton and they will get teased by rich girls in Slutty Nurse and Slutty Health Lobbyist costumes and they will cry and I will cry.

Until now. Here I bring you: “Halloween ‘How-To’ Guide for Poor Kids.” This week: Slutty Lindsey Lohan.

First, drive to the nearest farmland. Turn your car lights off so you can sneak up right next to the barn. Run in and grab a square of hay. Barrel of hay? Bushel of hay? BALE! Thanks, wikipedia.  Get a BALE of hay. Don’t worry about the farmer, he’s been sleeping since four pm since that’s the time farmers go to sleep. Which is why none of them know who Alec Baldwin is or what year it is.  Take it home and glue several hays together so it’s super long and then attach it to your hair with glue or any sort of weaving technique.

Next, go to your fat kid neighbor Jeremy’s house and grab a box of mac and cheese. He won’t mind. He has forty more boxes since his parents shop at Costco and  are too busy being personal injury lawyers to even know a stranger is at their house, stealing from their overweight son. Take out the cheese packet, add a 1/4 cup of water, and rub it all over your body.

Finally, get a BUNCH of cocaine from Scarface. Voila!

And there you have it! A FREE Lindsey Lohan costume!!! See?! It’s not so bad being a poor girl.  Some slut just paid $99 dollars to be a Slutty Slut and YOU get to be a slut for free. Now, lets go trick or treating and hope no one hands out any of those chocolate discs with tin foil wrapping.