Halloween: A ‘How To’ Guide For Poor Kids

Halloween is coming up. This means that thousands of children across the country will execute one of my biggest pet peeves: coats over Halloween costumes. Augh. Come on, take your fucking coat off. It’s high time you commit to your costume. No coats.

This also means that thousands of rich children will get to have fancy laser masks with twinkling lights or whatever costume is the trendiest this year and thousands of  poor kids will go, for the sixth consecutive year, as a hobo. They will get teased by rich kids in Watchmen and Transformers costumes and it will be sad and I will cry and they will cry.

Until now. Here I bring you “Halloween: A How To Guide For Poor Kids”. This week: Michael Jackson

He will be the number one costume of the year. But an MJ mask can run you like 20 to 40 dollars and who has money for that when you have pizza and video games and vodka to buy?

First. Go to your older sister Laura’s closet and dig out that scream mask she still has when she went as Neve Campell and her dirtbag boyfriend went as the murderer in 1997. She still has it for old times sake, even though she’s a complete whore now and he has five kids with that woman at the courthouse. Dust it off, it’s been awhile since 1997.

Next, walk next door to your neighbor, Krystal’s house. She will probably be passed out because she always is at 1pm. Cut off a lock of her hair. Don’t worry about waking her up, the large amount of valium, Finlandia and bbq chips she ate will keep you in the clear. So, chop off a lock of hair. Take it home and glue it to your scream mask all over the outside. Almost done!

Final touches. Get your mom’s fire engine red lipstick and apply to the mouth. Viola!

And there you have it! A FREE Michael Jackson Halloween mask!! See?! It’s not so bad being a poor kid. Some asshole bought this for $30 and YOU just got it for free. Now, lets go trick or treating and hope no one hands out those bullshit black and orange circles.