TV Recap: Top Chef
The rumor that I made up in my brain is that the producers of Top Chef got together and decided to get the opposite cast of last year: no one has any personality whatsoever. Do you remember Fabio and Stefan? Who smiled and laughed and made goofball cracks at each other from day one? Do you remember Carla who was like your awesome hippy aunt and screamed “hootie-hoo!” throughout every Whole Foods trip? And famous quasi-skanks, Hosea and Leah? They all have now been replaced with a cast of robots dressed as chefs, and the leaders are The Brothers Bore. It is my theory that they are either, seriously, the most boring humans on the planet, cabable of no emotion or humor or glee, or that they have botoxed their faces and their larynxes.
They begin the episode with a clip of the Brothers Bore and Jag Guy talking to each other about how they are the best chefs. Um. Did you forget about Le Bernadin Jen? She is just as good as Bros and way better than Jag Guy who can’t even pronounce, “gyro.” To begin the snoozefest, they cooked….omg….CACTUS. Everyone’s looked average to disgusting, but all looked amazing compared to what we would have cooked if we were handed a cactus leaf and forced to create a dish for Mean Top Chef Masters Guy. None of this really matters because Padma was wearing a flowy white top, jeans, and whiteish cowboy boots. Blahblah Jag Guy wins.
On to the Elimination Challenge: Go to a ranch in 100 degree heat, sleep in teepees and then cook for a ton of real life ranchers. Highlights:
-Beardy Guy is the BEST at horseshoes and seems like a nice man.
-Jamaican Guy thinks people carry swords in the dessert/anywhere. (He needed to cut his coconut.)
-Tom Coliccio spits out raw fish into the arid dessert sand. If only they had spitoons, like in old timey days, this would have been even more hilarious.
-Padma was dressed like a saloon whore in a flowy dress and vest. It seems the wardrobe department got their heads together and thought, “hmmmm dessert….ranchers….flowy? yeah! Flowy. Let’s get her flowy! yeah man! Flow it up.”
-Blahblah, Boring Twin wins. Which one? Who cares. Does it really matter? Nothing matters. Because we’re still going to watch it week after week. Because we want to see what Padma is wearing and we like learning about food and we like Beardy Guy and Jen and we like watching it at home with bf and we are still holding out that Tom is going to flip out and cry over poorly cooked oxtail. If only the cast of The Rachel Zoe Project were excellent chefs. How much more fun would that be?
