Next weeks preview for 90210 was more interesting than todays entire episode. Up for next week: NAY-OH-MAY wears sweatpants!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Archive for September, 2009
TV Recap: 90210
September 29, 2009Come to the VIP Party! By Kiki Gorge
September 29, 2009
Hey you guys, it’s Kiki. You guys should totally come to the exclusive VIP party this Saturday. I’m dead serious. It’s going to be HUGE. I’ve got the scoop on it and it’s super VIP and exclusive. There’s going to be a VIP area for the VIPs, and I can probably get you on the VIP list that will get you into the VIP area with the VIPs. Huge. It’s going to be so sexy and, best part, the Goose is loose- there’s gonna be a freaking lot of Grey Goose, super hot VIP guys and super hot VIP chairs. That we will sit on and then we will dance on. And then sit on again when our feet get sore. And then we’ll take our shoes off and dance on them again. I’m dead serious. This is going to be the most exclusive thing you’ve been to since we saw Klohe Kardashian in the Vegas and told her we loved her top. Speaking of tops, break out your sexiest VIP tops- I’m talking VIP glitter, VIP sequins, VIP rayon, VIP tops with your name on it, VIP tops with a sexy message on it, VIP tops with another top on it- anything. Or don’t even wear a top. Just wear a dress. Or a skirt with no top. It doesn’t even matter because you wanna know why? VIP. That’s why. V. I. P. I’m dead serious. It starts at 10:30 pm but we will be pre-partying at my condo at 4pm. Yeah, it’s a long time but dont worry I have some adderall we can cut up and snort through our noses. So, here’s the VIP RECAP:
4pm: Meet at my condo. Drink some flirtinis
5pm: eat some Doritos so we don’t barf later
5:30: Drink some cosmotinis
6pm: make-up retouch!
6:30pm: pick out tops. (see above)
7pm: boys come over!
7:10pm: make out with a boy in the bathroom
7:15pm: cig break!
8pm: Beer pong! Flip cup! All sing Katy Perry song. Plan trip to Vegas.
9pm: Adderall
10pm: Surprise! Escalade limo is picking us up!
10:15pm: Make up retouch/limo Miller Light bottles/ sing Katy Perry again
10:30pm: Arrive at Club Ice.
10:31pm: Cut line to front, point out my name: Kiki Gorge, enter VIP area.
10:40pm: VIPVIPVIPVIVPVPVIVPVPVIPVPVIVPIVPVIPVIPVIVPVIPVIVPVIVIVPVPVPVIVPPVIVPVPVIV
10:45pm: Dance on chairs.
1am: Fall off chair.
1:05am: Sit on chair. Pour Grey Goose on body and tell VIP exclusive boys to drink me up.
1:06am: Get kicked out of Club Ice.
1:16am: Barf in Escalade.
So, who’s in ? It’s going to be HUGE. I’m dead serious.
the elevator chair: a nice alternative to rollercoasters
September 29, 2009
the decision to put your life in the hands of a giant yellow machine that goes two hundred miles an hour, whips you upside down multiple times and is also called, “Iron Wolf” (or something similar) is a serious decision thousands of americans make every day when they visit popular theme parks. I’d like to offer a safer alternative for hypochondriacs, the elderly, and scaredy-cats alike: the elevator chair. While it only goes .5 miles per hour and doesn’t make any sudden movements, it does get you safely to your destination (up the stairs/down the stairs), and offers minutes of enjoyment, especially when drinking. Do you see Bad Guy Model above? He is thrilled. And drunk.
spotted at walgreens
September 25, 2009
ew. the last thing I want to think about when I’m eating baked cheese sticks is someone getting poked in their arm with a giant needle at Walgreens. cheetos and shots. It’s like that health food place that serves only raw food and also performs colonics. some things are best kept separate.
Halloween: A ‘How To’ Guide For Poor Kids
September 24, 2009Halloween is coming up. This means that thousands of children across the country will execute one of my biggest pet peeves: coats over Halloween costumes. Augh. Come on, take your fucking coat off. It’s high time you commit to your costume…no coats.
This also means that thousands of rich children will get to have fancy laser masks with twinkling lights in whatever costume is the trendiest this year and thousands of poor kids will go, for the sixth consecutive year, as a hobo. They will get teased by rich kids in Watchmen and Transformers costumes and it will be sad and I will cry and they will cry.
Until now. Here I bring you “Halloween: A How To Guide For Poor Kids”. This week: Michael Jackson
He *will* be the number one costume of the year. But an MJ mask can run you like 20 to 40 dollars and who has money for that when you have pizza and video games and vodka to buy?
First. Go to your older sister Laura’s closet and dig out that scream mask she still has when she went as Neve Campell and her dirtbag boyfriend went as the murderer in 1997. She still has it for old times sake, even though she’s a complete whore now and he has five kids with that woman at the courthouse. Dust it off, it’s been awhile since 1997.
Next, walk next door to your neighbor, Krystal’s house. She will probably be passed out because she always is at 1pm. Cut off a lock of her hair. Don’t worry about waking her up, the large amount of valium and finlandia and bbq chips she ate will keep you in the clear. So, chop off a lock of hair. Take it home and glue it to your scream mask. All over the outside. Almost done!!! 
Final touches. Get your mom’s fire engine red lipstick and apply to the mouth. Viola!
And there you have it! A FREE Michael Jackson Halloween mask!! See?! It’s not so bad being a poor kid. Some asshole bought this for $30 and YOU just got it for free. Now, lets go trick or treating and hope no one hands out those bullshit black and orange circles.
jump around
September 24, 2009Sometimes when a bad guy gets home to their hideout they just want to order take-out, watch nbc, not have an eye infection, write some stuff, and chill out.
But sometimes, before that happens, they stumble across this video for no reason and end up watching the entire thing.
augh. I must be fucking tired if I *for real* think this is awesome.
Ok. Time for take-out.
bubble wand maker
September 22, 2009
True story: In college, for a brief period of time, I was a bubble wand maker. Yep. And I made this exact one. There was an ad in the online student job area for the job and I thought, “yeah! this is awesome, I can get paid for watching TV and putting together these whimsical wands for excited children!” It lasted for about three weeks because what they don’t tell you is winding copper wire around this beautiful pink stick fucking hurts your hands. So, if you’re looking for a handmade gift for your niece or gay nephew, you should pick one of these up. And thank the person when you order, for he or she probably has swollen, red fingers and will never be able to pluck his violin again.
bad guy health care
September 22, 2009
Us Bad Guys have already expressed our opinion on the health care debate. But that doesn’t keep us from attending protests that are conveniently located near our place of employment and favorite sandwich shop during lunchtime.
Here is a video you should watch by our accomplices, Death-Pac.
the emmys
September 22, 2009i couldn’t concentrate on the Emmy’s this year because I was drinking vodka and getting surprised with this cake:
The best cake ever made. Thank you, best bf ever. Guys, if you want to know a way to a girls heart, its through an Eric Cartman cake. So anyway, did Jon Cryer really win? REALLY? Like, you’re not joking. You’re not saying this to make me guffaw and get all worried and then you’ll tell me that Neil Patrick Harris really won, right? No? In the words of Eric Cartman, “GOD DAMMIT! I hate you, Joooon, I hate you, so very, very much.”
Your Weekly GOOP: Fashion time
September 17, 2009
This weeks GOOP is about fashion. Gernerth is a week late and an anorexic Serbian model short since fashion week was last week. (A week is like 3 years in model life). But she was stoned last week, so let’s cut her some slack, shall we? She has enlisted in her dear friend (notice she has like 10,000 dear friends? This is like when the doctor called Elaine “breath-taking” and then she heard he called the ugly baby “breath-taking” and realized it doesn’t mean anything and in the other room George and Jerry were talking about shrinkage) Elizabeth Saltzman, who is a fashion person from Londontown who works for Vanity Fair and also picks out Gywn’s clothes sometimes (see above photo). Elizabeth also says things like:
“Here is my fashionating list of Fall (sad face) Winter (even sadder face) trends for 2009/2010.”
“Philip Lim had my favorite little “shimmy shimmy coco pop” dress”
Ahem. Now, as we have previously mentioned, we are not style icons ourselves. Bad Guys can’t be because we’re too busy doing things like: ordering take-out, watching that new NBC comedy, and eating a hacksawed pig. BUT. We do know one thing. That it is stupid to wear every trend every season and be obsessed with being “trendy”. Elizabeth may or may not feel the same way. This women probably gets paid $1,000 an hour to tell people what to wear. And she says this:
“It’s not me but I can’t deny that it’s everywhere… Leather, leather, leather, biker, biker, biker. The only thing I am craving are some good old-fashion, worn-in motorcycle boots but most people will pick up a leather jacket. May this trend soon be over.”
aslkdjfa;lskdfja. So to sum it up:
“I hate this trend. I’m going to buy it anyway. I hope I can throw it away soon.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Then she showed a cute Louis Vuitton dress and said, “this is for runways only, don’t buy anything like it.” Um. thenwhythefuckareyouincludingit? This is why we love Rachel Zoe. She doesn’t force trends-she forces personal style. And also we like the way she talks. And she has a personality and is a weirdo and likes the Grateful Dead and parties with Roger.
This GOOP was a BOMB.
Best Quote: “Balenciaga & Oscar de la Renta: Fierce chic… perfect, fitted, flawless. For a President, First Lady, Professor, or any elegant woman whether on a red-carpet or a private dinner… this is fierce.” -Elamezabeth
sometimes….
September 17, 2009
You just need to wear Air Force Ones at your wedding. Congrats to Z and A. 
TV Recap: Top Chef
September 17, 2009
The rumor that I made up in my brain is that the producers of Top Chef got together and decided to get the opposite cast of last year: no one has any personality whatsoever. Do you remember Fabio and Stefan? Who smiled and laughed and made goofball cracks at each other from day one? Do you remember Carla who was like your awesome hippy aunt and screamed “hootie-hoo!” throughout every Whole Foods trip? And famous quasi-skanks, Hosea and Leah? They all have now been replaced with a cast of robots dressed as chefs, and the leaders are The Brothers Bore. It is my theory that they are either, seriously, the most boring humans on the planet, cabable of no emotion or humor or glee, or that they have botoxed their faces and their larynxes.
They begin the episode with a clip of the Brothers Bore and Jag Guy talking to each other about how they are the best chefs. Um. Did you forget about Le Bernadin Jen? She is just as good as Bros and way better than Jag Guy who can’t even pronounce, “gyro.” To begin the snoozefest, they cooked….omg….CACTUS. Everyone’s looked average to disgusting, but all looked amazing compared to what we would have cooked if we were handed a cactus leaf and forced to create a dish for Mean Top Chef Masters Guy. None of this really matters because Padma was wearing a flowy white top, jeans, and whiteish cowboy boots. Blahblah Jag Guy wins.
On to the Elimination Challenge: Go to a ranch in 100 degree heat, sleep in teepees and then cook for a ton of real life ranchers. Highlights:
-Beardy Guy is the BEST at horseshoes and seems like a nice man.
-Jamaican Guy thinks people carry swords in the dessert/anywhere. (He needed to cut his coconut.)
-Tom Coliccio spits out raw fish into the arid dessert sand. If only they had spitoons, like in old timey days, this would have been even more hilarious.
-Padma was dressed like a saloon whore in a flowy dress and vest. It seems the wardrobe department got their heads together and thought, “hmmmm dessert….ranchers….flowy? yeah! Flowy. Let’s get her flowy! yeah man! Flow it up.”
-Blahblah, Boring Twin wins. Which one? Who cares. Does it really matter? Nothing matters. Because we’re still going to watch it week after week. Because we want to see what Padma is wearing and we like learning about food and we like Beardy Guy and Jen and we like watching it at home with bf and we are still holding out that Tom is going to flip out and cry over poorly cooked oxtail. If only the cast of The Rachel Zoe Project were excellent chefs. How much more fun would that be?
strollers, are you for real?
September 14, 2009The neighborhood i reside in is slowly being infiltrated by mommies and strollers. Since we’re not a bratty hipster that has to live in the kewelst most obscure neighborhood in the city, filled only with artists and vagabonds and hustlers, this doesn’t really bother us. Babies are cute and so are the dogs they are always being walked around with. but what we’ve noticed that is irritating is the current trend in:…strollers.
The strollers of today look like tiny baby space machines. Why? Why are strollers now $3,000 and come equipped with springs and shock absorbers and sun shades and diamond wheels? Do you remember when strollers once looked like this?
When they were just a peice of cloth with some wheels? Because I do. I pushed my little sister around in some cloth with wheels and she turned out just fine and now these mommies find it necessary to buy these ridiculous over-priced strollers and one-up all the other mommies with fanciest stroller. Another problem is that they are always bringing these strollers in to morning brunch spots. Old school strollers used to fold up into a tiny stick you could practically fit it in your jean jacket pocket. Now, they take up 9 square feet that could be used for another table to sit down and enjoy some huevos rancheros. And they take up so much room on the street you have to smash yourself into a building to let them pass. Well ya know what, yuppie mommies? You better watch out. Because if I have a child or even baby-sit a child, I’m going to wheel them around in a pram.
Yep. A pram. And it’s going to take up so much space at brunch, you’re going to have to wait an extra 40 minutes to sit down. And I might roll over your feet too on the way out. And its going to take up so much room on the sidewalk, you and your dog and husband and fancy babies are going to have to just move on over, because Pram Baby is coming through. Watch out for Pram Baby. Now, who wants me to baby-sit their kids?
TV Recap: 90210
September 11, 2009
Us Bad Guys are stuck in the age group that was a little too young to fully “get” the original 90210 and is a little too old to actually “enjoy” the new 90210. We watch it anyway. Mostly because we love Naomi. Which is mostly because we love saying, “Nah-ohhhh-mi.” Nay-oh-may. Nay-ohhh-mehh. The new season premiered on Tuesday and although we’re a little late on the recap, we’re doing it anyway. Mostly for Bad Guy Rachel, who is between apartments and doesn’t have television.
It’s the last day of summer school and Nay-oh-may is so excited she screams and litters her paper all over the place. The Bi Polar Girl got an edgy haircut and Adrianna got extensions most likely because producers said, “oh shit, people can’t tell the two brown-haired girls apart, lets make SURE their hair length is a foot apart next season.” So the girls go to the Bev Hills pool because Nayms is a member. Adrianna looks at babies gets sad because she gave her baby away and Nay-oh-may is in love with an old dude who appears to be 37 years old.
Meanwhile, Ethan “moved to Montana” which, in TV land, is similar to when parents tell their kids, “your dog went to live on a farm.” Ethan’s ex, Annie, is all strung out because she hit a man in the last season finale while drunk driving her car. So she’s stressed and cranky to Aunty Becky and Hot Dad and won’t eat and the make-up artists uglied her up because sad people are ugly. She sits at her laptop furiously checking every search engine (probably even bing, which sucks) to find out about the dude that she carelessly ran over. Then we find out the man died. Omfg. Annie. Is. A. Murderer. Call the make-up artist- its time to make her super ugly now.
There’s a new “hot guy” who isn’t really hot and who’s dad is a super famous movie star. Like Paul Newman famous. Nay-oh-may obvs loves new guy but he was actually Adrianna’s first boyfriend so she can’t bang him. Augh. That always happens. Nay-oh-may pouts. Then she finds out Old Guy has a wife and kids. Rough day to be in love. She says “no, old guy, i do NOT want to be your girl” which is so admirable of her. It’s whenever you start to question Nay’s judgement, she proves you wrong time and time again. Then she yells at Annie and Annie gets even uglier and also drunk.
Adrianna’s bf is pissed because she won’t have sex with him at the beach party. Hello. She just had a baby. As if any 16 year old would ever want to have sex again after they gave birth to a child. Annie gets drunk and has sex with a junior. Bi Polar Girl gets back together with Dixon (who you may know as: the only black guy) but then they break up again in the same episode. Typical.
The Last Scene: Nay-oh-may finds out that junior guy recorded a sex tape of Annie. Holy balls. As if it couldn’t get any worse for poor, ugly Annie. The old 90210 characters are no where to be seen, which doesn’t bother us because they were kind of boring and Kelly has a new shitty gig now anyway. What does make us a little sad though, is that Arrested Development Grandma was nowhere to be seen. She was, besides Nay-oh-may, the best part of this show. Hopefully she’ll be back to stop Annie from the inevitable run-away/kidnapping/suicide attempt/meth addiction that is sure to pan out over the next few weeks.
niceness
September 10, 2009for all of you who think Us Bad Guys are judgmental and offensive, we are. But we are nice too. Because we donate to charity (when we get this cute heart in return), volunteer (when Obama tells us to), call our parents everyday (to ask for money), help old people cross the street (when they give us their old-timey diamond bracelet in return), and give Gwyneth a second chance at GOOP (when she appears to have a fun personality and maybe high.)
Your Weekly GOOP: Back, Stoned, and Korean
September 10, 2009
I don’t know WHAT happened on Gwyn’s vacation but I think it has a little something to do with Cold Play Guy scoring some weed from an old Jamaican high priest because Gernerth is stoned and mothafuckin’ hungry for some Korean food. Chef Lee Gross, who may or may not be asian, is at her house showing her how to cook spicy miso and bibimbop, and I think you’ll agree, Gern is amazingly tolerable and hilarious. If she keeps this up, she may just become our best friend.
Fave Quote: “I can never pronounce it right. bibimbop. bibimbop. bibimbop.” – Gwyn
Saddest Quote: “I”m in the kitchen with my friend Lee Gross who is the best chef I know.” (Batali is obviously crying on his fancy boat after hearing this. After all he’s done for her.)
Lesson Learned: If a toy company ever makes a Gwyneth doll make sure it comes with a joint, as to not scare the children.
augh.
September 8, 2009why are tiny children playing with little dogs so cute? I feel like one of those girls that sends email forwards of animals or puppies and the font is really big and bright and you can’t really read it and most of the words are spelled incorrectly and then it ends with something about god or “sending this forward to 30 people so you’ll have good luck” or something about american troops.
Your Weekly GOOP: GO Compare/Contrast
September 3, 2009
well. she’s not back yet. there was no goop in my spam inbox this week. and she didn’t send a letter this week either. so, i have prepared a compare/contrast full of Gwyneth’s quotes from her “GO” section.
GWYN: Barcelona is a city full of wonder and beauty. I first went when I was 19 years old, with some train money and a backpack and not much else.
BGH: Las Vegas is a city full of wonder and beauty. I first went when I was 19 years old, with some sorority sisters and a backpack of slutty tank tops.
GWYN: When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Paris, leaving my younger brother and mother in London where she was filming a movie.
BGH: When I was ten years old, my father and I took a trip to Washington DC, where my younger sister and mother also went because we went places as a family. And she was a principal and not the mom in Meet The Parents.
GWYN: As much as I am a product of many places, I am a New York girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious city and it is a part of who I am. I was an uptown kid and a downtown grownup and this duality helps define me.
BGH: As much as I am a product of many places, I am a midwestern girl through and through. I did most of my growing up in this glorious region and it is part of who I am. We don’t have uptowns and downtown in the midwest. It’s just Chicago and then towns.
GWYN: Los Angeles, where I was born and partially raised, will always hold a special place in my heart. Not the L.A. of Hollywood, but the old-school seventies beach vibe which still lingers in corners.
BGH: Wisconsin, where I was born and actually raised, will always hold a special place in my heart. Not the farm-y Wisconsin, but the old school polish gangbuster vibe which still lingers in packing districts and pierogi shops.
the devil’s transportation
September 3, 2009contrary to popular belief, the devil does not get around on a silver horse or a fiery train from hell. the devil rides in this:
…a camouflage melrose place hummer. that apparently makes stops at Wendy’s.
benzoyl peroxide and twix
September 3, 2009it used to be, that when a teen had an acne problem they would have an uncomfortable talk about it with their parents who would then take them to a medical physician, who with his/her medical degree, would examine the epidermis thoroughly before prescribing a topical cream or pill or perhaps a change in diet and exercise. now, teen can just go to a vending machine for their acne solutions. a vending machine. like the kind that sell twix bars and kit kats.
proactiv vending machines. replacing dermatologists one at a time.
and also perhaps, a retaliation against the growing cost of health care as well as a solution to the typical three month waiting time to get an appointment. or, growing proof that robots and machines are taking over the planet.
“porchetta farche facon riviera” OR “the poor little pig we saw get hacksawed”"
September 2, 2009here are a few pictures from last nights dinner- a birthday celebration for one of our dear friends as well as our journey in to vegetarianism.
staring us down from inside the oven.
staring us down from outside the oven
ugh. hacksaw.
magic show-ish.
And here she/he is, Porchetta Farche Facon Riviera. We cried. And then we ate it. And then we cried again. And then we had seconds. And then we cried and drank wine. And then we cried again and then had some Julia Child’s Chocolate Almond Cake. And then maybe cried one last time.
Health Care Debating
September 1, 2009Us Bad Guys had an eye infection and went to a doctor. He told us it would go away in a week, use Visine, and there was nothing I could do about it. We paid this doctor $30 for the visit. It didn’t go away. Then we went to a fancier doctor who told us our eye is super fucked up, gave us eye drop steroids, and said it might take a few months to clear up. We paid him $160 for the visit. Which is why Us Bad Guy’s position on the health care debate is: pay more money.
Civic TV covered a health care protest yesterday. You should check it out.
see more clips at Your Civic Doody
Join Death-Pac: Dying and Enfeebled Against Total Healh Care.
i hate you
September 1, 2009ok, i know this is old, but it doesn’t make me hate it any less. and really, i only hate it because it’s a nightmare inducing creature from my ID that wakes me up at 2 am from night terrors. night. terrors.
diet coke and lean cuisine
September 1, 2009
dear secretaries, both male and female,
stop. please stop this diet. millions of you are on this diet. I see you everyday with your pencil skirts/pencil pants and new balance shoes carrying it to work. diet cokes and lean cuisines everyday of your life will not make you skinny and they will make you the opposite of healthy. which is unhealthy. this diet has been going on far too long. and has reached victims at every workplace environment in the country. please ladies and men, stop eating this bland, chemical-filled spread day after miserable corporate day. Stop eating this glob that still leaves you hungry enough to walk to seven 11 and buy a bag of olestra-filled chips an hour after consumption. haven’t you had enough, secretaries, both male and female? I have. I have had enough of watching you be miserable while we eat our not-lean cuisine and diet coke lunches. you practically cry tears that almost drip on our maybe sandwiches because you are so jealous of actual flavor. please, secretaries, both male and female, don’t drip your salty tears in our food. Our prosciutto is salty enough.
thanks,
Us Bad Guys
