Food Review: Jamba Juice’s Greens And Grain Wrap

There aren’t many foods I won’t eat. I’ll eat old frozen pizza, I’ll eat stale popcorn, I’ll eat sheep brains with morel mushrooms, I’ll eat grocery store brand lucky charms in those bags,  and then some. That’s not to say I eat these foods all the time, I just have before and probably would again. Jamba Juice’s Wrap was so fucking disgusting, I didn’t eat it and would never again. The wrap does not fit in the category of old pizza and brains. It falls in the category of: something a bum took a bite of and threw on the street, something that has mold, anything from Popeye’s, something that I take a bite of and spit into the garbage…the category of: I would never eat.

The first problem is that its a wrap. Can we, as humans, get over wraps already? Somewhere, at some point, some “health analyst” said wraps were healthy. They are not. They have 1000 calories, don’t taste as good as bread, and get soggy. The nutrition label says that the wrap has 14 grams of fat, all 14 are in the actual wrappy tortilla shell. The soggy tortilla shell they colored green to seem healthy and tastes like packing peanuts. Homemade bread is so delicious and better for you, so boo to wraps.

The healthy “wrap” is filled with red quinoa and hummus. The quinoa was dry as was the crusty hummus. If you’re going to throw quinoa in something, please, don’t overcook it. Because when you do, Mr. Jamba Juice cooker who is probably 15 years old, it tastes like tiny balls of garbage. And hummus, when used fresh, is delicious. When it is dry and crumbly, it falls out of your mouth like a four year-old. The wrap is also full of  vegetables. Whatev. But the WORST part about this, is the DIPPING SAUCE. It’s a mango dressing that wreaks like garlic that you are supposed to dip this sloppy, green torpedo in.  Jamba Juice, I get why you chose “mango” dressing. Because dumb slobs equate mango with being healthy and exotic and someone probably ate it in the South Beach diet. But when was the last time you dipped a mango in fucking hummus? Never. No one has ever dipped a mango in hummus ever in the history of the planet.

It seems as though the Jamba Juice executive cheff decided that if you mix every healthy food together, it will taste good: green wrap, quinoa, hummus, mango, “veggies” = sell to fat Americans who don’t know any better. Well JJ, your buzzwords don’t fool Us Bad Guys. Anyone with a mouth will figure out this tastes like a mess of health that has been sitting in a damp refrigerator for five very long, very sad days.

If we keep going at this rate  Jamba Juice’s next menu item will be  a spinach, egg white, almond, salmon, blueberry shake. And if that happens, I will order it and dump it onto the register causing it to short out and infect the mother board of Jamba Juices and they will all implode into space where aliens who don’t know any better will enjoy the foreign wrap. Although that means we won’t have the Berry Fulfilling smoothie anymore, which we love. Win some lose some.

(Full disclosure: My Greens and Grain Wrap was free. An overzealous man on Michigan ave shoved it in my face and so I took it because I thought, initially, it was some sort of bag of chips. I was very, very wrong)