Your Weekly GOOP: Serpicopla

If you recall, Gernerth is on vacay and decided to put GOOP on hiatus until she gets back because it’s not like some qualified intern can slop together some quotes and anecdotes and send it to a listserv. Only Gwyneth knows how to do that so we will wait. That being said, we have great news. Gern has sent us a letter in the mail from her vacation that Us Bad Guys will share with you now:

“Dear Bad Guys,

Greetings from Serpicopla, Europe. You have never heard of Serpicopla because it only exists to those who are fortunate and privileged enough to have been in the movie, Shallow Hal. It is very beauteous and lovely here. Yesterday I ate some airbrushed arugula and drank the blood of a vegan, organic, farm-raised boar, that I lovingly called, “Sea Biscuit.” Then I rolled down a beautiful hill into a meadow filled with narcissism, entitlement, and despair where I played mancala with rocks made of diamond whales. It was lovely and beauteous. Then my husband, Coldplay Guy, read me excerpts from my favorite piece of literature, “LA Candy” written by a contemporary female Shakespeare. It was lovely and kind and beautiful. I was so exhausted from doing nothing, I washed myself with the sweat of Madonna and Cameron Diaz, which I brought with me in a 3 ounce sealable container. It was both lovely and beateous and kind and yummy.

Then, Mario Batali came and served us the most memorable, lovely meal. After 38 beautiful courses, Mario walked over to me and said, “Gernerth. You are wonderful and beauteous and kind and lovely and yummy and beautiful. You deserve to do things that other people aren’t as fortunate to do and tell people about them. So, I would like you to do the one thing no one else in the world will be able to do, except you, you little privledged one. Please, eat my hand. And so I ate his hand, which I will talk about in next week’s GOOP.

Lovely,

Gernerth Plowtrow. ”