sex tape lessons

By now, you probably have heard about the recently surfaced sex tape (watch it there) featuring McSteamy, Noxema girl who is also a murder, and Miss Teen USA turned prostitute. Those of you who have watched the video may agree, there are lessons to be learned. So, I will grade the video like a class assignment by an elementary school teacher.

Objective: B Leak sex tape.  All publicity is good. Good job.

Execution: F If you are going to make a sex tape, have sex, not “have some bullshit conversation for three minutes and watch a hooker pay by credit card.” Very Poor. Check minus. Watch Pam and Tommy bone for seven hours and write a report for extra credit.

Grammar: F “Drownded” is not a recognized word by the Oxford English dictionary or anyone who isn’t a dumb slut.

Creativity: D Tristan Bailey and Tuff Hedon are porn names first graders would use.  Use the equation: dog’s name + street name = porn name. Take notes during class, this was an open book assignment. You are a terrible student.

Casting: D- Valedictorians would have used Megan Fox, Robert Pattinson, Chace Crawford and Blake Lively. But you cast a Grey’s Anatomy cast member, an actress that was in Jawbreaker, and hooker who owns light up rubber ducks. Light. Up. Rubber Ducks. Shows poor decision making skills.

Soundtrack: A Snoop Dogg shows a great mastery of both rap, history, and american rap history.

Editing: C Four minutes too long but does well at driving home the point that just because you are famous, does not mean you are classy, intelligent, sexy, and live in a nicely decorated apartment that does not have light-up rubber ducks.

Overall: D And detention. Where you will cut out circles and make a construction paper chain for the Welcome Back To School Swine Flu Vaccine parade.