Your Weekly GOOP: What Happens When Gwyneth is Piiiiiisssed

So if you’ve been keeping up with stuff that doesn’t matter, Gwyneth and Scarlett Johansson are in Iron Man 2 together and apparently Gwensy hated her during filming and now, most recently, hates her even more that she got shut out of the Entertainment Weekly cover.

Which is why we suspect this week’s GOOP is a video of Gwynsy massacring a chicken. A younger, happier, innocent chicken with red hair and more talent. Gwynsy cuts through bone, flesh and skin, ripping out parts, smashing it into a pan, shoving sharp objects in it, and cooks it at temperatures similar to the blazing fires of hell. And then, in a sick display of revenge, she eats it in front of our very eyes.

Now that’s just speculation. But in reality, this video will probably the most boring 7 minutes and 39 seconds of your life. So if you want to make ScarJo chicken, here is the recipe. And if you want to get the gist of her video without having to watch it, here are some quotes. Actual quotes. Words that came out of her mouth. All just seconds apart from one another.

-”We’ve got these beautiful radishes”

-”We’ve got some lovely watercress”

-”We’ve got this beautiful lettuce”

-”We’ve got some lovely rosemary.”

-”We’ve got some gorgeous arugula. It’s just beauteous.”

-”We got these beautiful carrots. The colors are just gorge.”

-”We’ve got some gorgeous sage.”

-”We’ve got some beautiful purple onion.”

-”We’ve got these gorgeous sweet english peas.”

-”I learned this trick in England”