May every child in America be as wise and passionate as Riley on the topic of gender equity and marketing/advertising practices. I’d like my future daughter to feel comfortable asking Santa for a superhero and my future son to feel comfortable asking Santa for a pink remote control helicopter and my future self to be comfortable asking Santa to pick up more egg nog at Gelson’s because my inebriated Aunt Becky needs to keep drinking or she’ll spin wildly out of control and smash all the presents and I have to stay home and watch Mean Girls with my husband and can’t leave the house.
Have you ever been too busy to do origami?
I know. Me too. But now you can! For those people who want to fold paper but just can’t seem to fit it in their schedules.
Cram the ancient, meditative Japanese art in between taking Sophie to piano, dropping off the dry cleaning, picking up your husband from work and then dropping him off at the car dealership so he can get his Toyota Camry that needed a new catalytic converter. Create beautiful swans, flowers, and morph balls in the tranquil three minutes you have between cooking a fried chicken from Thomas Keller’s Ad Hoc cookbook, feeding the baby, checking your email, and finishing that 500 page report that will save your company. You might only have 8 minutes to yourself each day, but goddammit, you will fold paper. And it will be as relaxing and enjoyable as the centuries-old Japanese practitioners intended.
Nice try, Michael’s Crafts in Santa Monica. Your (entirely imagined by me) store associate, Esther Pottinghouse, tried to pull a fast one on me by tricking me into thinking a 100% price increase was actually a sale. Luckily, I’m good at math. And that I was shopping for beautiful glitter ribbon and not ugly plastic rope garland.
Recently, a series of photographs from the Charles W. Cushman Collection were featured on the Daily Mail online. The photos were taken on a fancy color Kodachrome camera from 1941 to 1942 in New York City. The collection depicted both the city and its people during the time in American history after the Great Depression and during World War II. The above photo and its caption immediately caught my attention and I found myself asking the important question:
“Why are these homeless men so fucking hot?”
These 1941 homeless men are dressed better than most moderate to high salaried men in America today. I could name fourteen of my friends that would make out with these vintage homeless men right now. And that doesn’t include Rachel, who once actually brought a homeless guy to her house.
I wish I could go back in time and tell them, “No! Don’t give up hope, homeless men of the South Ferry doss houses! Invent a time machine and go to the year 2011 where the majority of men wear dirty Hooters t-shirts and those black, shiny shoes they wear on The Jersey Shore, and you will score a cute dame and she will take care of you and give you food and an automobile and a phone that you can take with you anywhere. And you’ll probably be featured on The Sartorialist! Oh, it’s just this website. Nevermind. I am so not explaining what computers are right now.”
Kim Kashkashian or Kim Kardashian?
Decide whether each statement describes Kim Kashkashian or Kim Kardashian and check your answers below to see how well you know your Kims!
1. Made a sex tape with Ray J.
2. Won the 2nd prize at the 1980 Lionel Tertis International Viola Competition and the 1980 ARD International Music Competition in Munich.
3. Posted nude for Playboy in 2007.
4. Currently teaches at the New England Conservatory.
5. Once said: “I have nothing against a very good transcription, and to define that, a good transcription adds something to the piece of music. However, I can’t think of any concerti that fit into that category off hand. Recital repertoire, certainly, is more flexible in that regard.”
6. Once said: “When I was 17 I made these headbands, and I would sell them to stores. I would sew in these flowers with fishing line. I’d match them with everything, like with my sweater and eyeliner.”
7. Played the viola in the soundtrack of the film Ulysses’ Gaze, together with Eleni Karaindrou. Her albums have won awards, notably the 1999 Edison Prize and the Cannes Prize for Chamber Music in 2000.
8. Filmed a music video for a song titled “Jam (Turn it up)” and premiered the song during a New Year’s Eve party at TAO Las Vegas on December 31, 2010.
9. Guest-starred in an episode of “Just the 10 of Us.”
10. Once said, “I look bad in these leggings.”
Answer Key
1. Kardashian 2. Kashkashian 3. Kardashian 4. Kashkashian 5. Kashkashian 6. Kardashian 7. Kashkashian 8. Kardashian 9. Neither. 10. Also neither.
0-3 correct: Boo. You don’t know your Kims very well.
4-7 correct: Eh, you sorta know your Kims.
8-10 correct: Congrats! You really know your Kims!
If you stare long enough, you can see a busted station wagon that is connected to what appears to be the back portion of a truck that has been cut in half.
Can you see it?
Editorial note: this photo was not taken in 1983. This was taken yesterday by my sister.
Photo of mermaid cat/schizophrenia in the shape of blown glass by Becky
About two years ago, @Randomesq described eggs as, “liquid chicken,” and it caused me to gag and not eat them for about 6 months. Whole Foods has done it now with their new egg option:
Let me remind you that the dictionary definition of the word “fertile” is: “capable of growing or developing” or “capable of bearing offspring.” Does Whole Foods think that people want to sit down for breakfast and be reminded that the slimy, yellow mess they are eating with their toast once could have had the capability to grow into an animal? Or that the huevos part of their rancheros could have birthed offspring if given the opportunity? No, Whole Foods. They don’t. No one wants to be reminded they are eating liquid chicken. Which is why these eggs were on sale last weekend.
Also, speaking of bearing offspring, congrats to Jay-Z and Beyonce!
Let me tell you. When I think of the kind of person who watches Flight of The Conchords, I definitely picture aging Oscar Hammerstein fans that sit around planning their will and sorting old and valuable baseball cards from their secret vaults.
“Ow, my back. Okay. Let’s see. Who should I give this mint condition 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle card to when I pass? My grandson Alex? Yes. Definitely Alex. I think Henry would appreciate my Julie Andrews autographed Sound of Music album a bit more. Yes, yes. My will is coming along splendidly. Oh! Too Many Dicks On The Dance Floor is on! This will have to just wait a minute…”
Unless Baby-Sitter Club books count, I have never owned a comic book in my life. So, naturally I wanted to go to Comic-Con. No really, I did. But mostly to attend the South Park Fan Experience (photos to come) and to just check out the madness since I only live two hours away. Comic-Con combines the dressing up part of Halloween, with awesome comic nerd fanatics, with club skanks that find any excuse to wear as little clothing as possible, with a studio marketing department’s wet dream with Mrs. Fields cookie booths. It was magical.
Here’s my photo essay entitled, “Comic-Con 2011: Who Are We To Judge?”
Boomdizzle: Want2BFamous? Yes, that shirt is an advertisement. And a little too flashy for a cast member of NCIS if you ask me.
(this photo of vampire guy dedicated to my mother and sister)
murder hair clips!
Oh right! We’re in San Diego and it’s 80 degrees. Let’s play outside.
…but then, of course, we would be missing this.
Hey everyone! If you dress like a cow and go to Chick-fil-A tomorrow you will get a free meal! So, for the seven people in America that already own cow costumes- congrats. As for the rest of you: the cheapest, in-stock cow costume I could find was this gem cow with a black eye for $42.90 which means that instead of just buying a regular food meal for $7.80, for an extra $35 you get a cow costume that you can keep forever as well as the humiliation of wearing a hot cow body in the middle of summer. And you will sweat profusely as teens throw rocks at you while you eat your chargrilled chicken sandwich with Polynesian sauce dip. It’s like a reverse happy meal where you have to go out and buy your own toy to get the free food. And a happy Cow Appreciation Day to you, good sir!
fancy.
sometimes when you go hunting for antiques you come across things that don’t make sense:
and your mind starts racing: “Why did people in the early 1900s need a calculator to figure out when they’re having a baby? Couldn’t they just add on 9 months from when they first got pregnant? And why do you need a division function to figure out when a baby is coming? Oh my god. Everyone was stupid.”
until you go you home and do some research only to find that it’s actually one of the first calculators that wasn’t gigantic and you could put in your vest pocket.
I sort of wish we, as a society, stuck with ‘baby’ instead of replacing it with mini or nano. Because Mac baby, iPod baby, baby cooper, baby golf, baby skirts, baby quiche, baby refrigerators and Frosted Baby Wheats sound much more hilarious and would really fuck with future generations of antiquers. And if there’s one thing I live for, it’s imagining scenarios of dumbfounded antiquers in the year 2100. I need a vacation. Or maybe I just need to see “Larry Crowne“ right now. An uplifting, two-hour, Tom Hanks baby vacation.
